A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to My Shodan Test...

At least that's what I've been dreaming about lately. The test is scheduled for this spring, but I've had dreams for close to a month or so about arriving in where I think I'm supposed to be and not being able to find the testing room. It's not like I'm simply in the wrong part of the building, the hustle and kinetically energetic environment that is the testing site on the night of promotions was just not there. The place is totally empty in my dreams - which is weird because I know I arrived with my son and a few of our training partners. They hopped out of the car to get dressed while I fiddled around in the back getting my gear bag. But when I went into the door they'd disappeared behind, there was nobody there.

In the dream, I spend a few minutes walking from one room to another expecting to see someone - anyone - in a karategi, but no one is around. Strangely I don't start to panic until I realize that I'm totally about to miss my presentation. I feel completely panicked, but I keep moving and searching...

There's another version of the dream where I am in the room with everyone else ready to get dressed. I open my gear bag only to find - nothing. I've forgotten to pack my gi! What the heck...?

Actually, for the test in December (I was only an uke cheering my training partners on), I really did forget my gi. I realized it on the hour-long drive to the gym. But fortunately, someone happened to have an extra uniform on hand. Crisis averted! But it really bothered me that I was so unprepared, even if I was just there to help and not to present.

Now, I've only been training in the martial arts for about four years, so of course I don't know everything. Actually, my knowledge of this art probably wouldn't even fill a thimble. I emailed one of the senior dans in our clan to get some insight on why I've been feeling like a slug lately in the gym and ended up telling him about my dreams. He asked me flat out what I thought the dreams were trying to tell me. Could it be I'm feeling that I may not be prepared for the test, I wondered? Those feelings were exactly why I've stepped up my off-dojo (read: lifting and running) days and tossed an extra day of weights into the mix. Perhaps, Sensei S. surmised, there was something about my training that wasn't sitting well with me. Hmmm...

One of the things I absolutely love most about karate is that there is always something new to learn. In addition to that keeping you on your toes so you don't get injured unnecessarily, it also keeps you humble, which is an incredible thing. I've been told that earning your black belt means only that you are ready to begin training and that all the work done to that point is only preparation for what's ahead in much the same way that grade school prepares you for high school, high school prepares you for college and college prepares you in some way for what you'll be doing after. But sometimes, I feel like there's no syllabus or script and that the information is sort of catch as catch can - gleaning, if you will...

With my other discipline (track and field, LOL), I trained six days a week for a lot of years through everything from early pregnancy to surgery and divorce court proceedings. Course I was a bit younger then and without the achy knee, lower back, elbow and ankle aches I have now that only seem to serve as reminders that I'm not taking this part of the journey as a 24-year-old "kid" but as a 42-year old woman. That nagging little voice of doubt is always there, it seems. I want to step it up a bit with the training but my body is rebelling while that voice is starting to scream. Yeah, I'd say something with my training isn't sitting well with me, alright. It's nobody's fault, it just is.

So this week, I stayed completely away from the weights and ran only two days. I felt so relaxed when I went to class Tuesday night and as I worked kata and kihon this morning in the dance studio. Last night I also visited our sister dojo where a sensei I hadn't worked with in a few months taught. The man is amazingly knowledgeable, but I always leave his class feeling like I do almost no techniques correctly, have no hopes of ever learning anything correctly and have spent a lot of time just sort of scratching at the surface. As we climbed into the car to go home, my son said "I always feel so stupid when he teaches." I had to laugh because obviously, I knew exactly what he was talking about.

There's always something new to learn, it seems...