This picture is of my favorite flower, the Tiger Lily. Around these parts, it can be found almost anywhere there's dirt between July and mid-August. I guess that would kind of classify it as a weed, but because it is so colorful and hearty - and it won't grow in my yard, for some strange reason - to me it is has the same WOW factor as an Orchid or a Chrysanthemum.Sometimes I see my martial arts training the same way. To me what looks all bright and beautiful is really nothing more than a weed. Right now, my pending nidan grading is starting to feel a lot like the weedy end of the spectrum.
The grading is only 11 days away. It seems like there is so much to explore/examine/tighten still that it can't all be done in 11 days. Just last night in class, we worked on tamishiwari - board breaking. We hadn't had the re-breakable boards or the makawari pads out in a while, but I was informed that I should have been conditioning my hands in preparation for the breaking my grading would contain all along. I had no idea there would be breaking because I've never been to a grading at my "new" school, although I always had to break boards at other promotions. So, in addition to the running, lifting, kata, self-defense and weapons training I'm somehow managing to do every day, I'm supposed to condition with the makawai X number of times a day per hand as well. Great.
I specifically asked weeks ago if there was anything I should work on to prep for the grading and makawari conditioning was not mentioned. It really isn't a big deal, but it really is if that makes sense. Eleven days is not a lot of time to condition at all, much less to plan board breaks that are fluid and "logical." I almost feel like I'm being set up to come up short, which isn't cool. Every day there seems to be a new surprise about what will be part of the grading. Last week it was the long line of senior dans that will be lined up for kumite near the end of the test. Honestly, it was beginning to feel more like a hazing instead of a grading. Isn't preparing for a new level supposed to be something that is enjoyed and looked forward to, not something that is dreaded?
I've heard all the arguments about how I wouldn't have been invited to test if my instructors did not feel I was ready, but today, I just don't feel ready. And I don't want to go into the test feeling like I could have used another month or two to refine and prepare. I've trained in some way, shape or form every day for the last seven weeks and frankly, I'm nearing exhaustion. I'm about ready to pick a spot on a map, drive to it and take a vacation from all things martial for a minute. Seriously - I'm THIS.CLOSE to bowing out completely.
Sigh...
Your teacher wouldn't have invited you to test if he didn't think that you were already capable of passing. It's all in your head, don't you see?
ReplyDeleteEvery significant thing we do is a leap of faith. Take a deep breath and step forward. You'll do fine.
I know, Rick - and I also know the head is the thing. Yesterday, my head was begging for a time out. My brain is at the information saturation point, I think. I just need a day or two away to regroup. Onward (and thanks :-)
DeleteYour feelings are normal. Experience them but don't let self-talk exacerbate them to extreme and unrealistic levels.
ReplyDeleteYour ripe for a three day off so consider yourself on hiatus from martial arts for three days ;-)
I'm taking the night off from class this evening, but I will teach a bit tomorrow and Saturday, but I do need a break. My brain is starting to smoke! Thanks for the assist :-)
DeleteGood luck (only because it is polite; you don't need the luck for you will do fine :-)
DeleteSorry you are frustrated! I haven't tested for black belt yet, myself, but I think I would be pretty well dreading my shodan exam when the time comes--heck, I'm kind of dreading my Ikkyu exam and that wouldn't be for AT LEAST another 5 months, and in actually it will probably be longer than that.
ReplyDeleteThem not telling you about the breaking requirement is dangerous, but if they didn't give you any specific numbers to break it really isn't too bad. You don't have much time to put together a breaking routine, though, which it sounds like you need to do, so that's no good. Regardless, I wish you luck and I'm sure you'll do well!
The breaking really isn't that big a deal, Noah, as I only have three to four techniques to do. I'll be fine - because truthfully, I've never done any regular makawari training anyway. I guess I'm just frustrated because it wasn't mentioned until two days ago. The format of the test is still such a mystery and I'm naturally a planner, so it's kind of outside of my comfort zone, which is probably the point. I've already gotten what I'm going to do together (in my head anyway), but now I'm anxious that next there will be something else they forgot to mention. It is what it is, I guess. Thanks for the well wishes :-)
DeleteHang in there, Felicia! Sending virtual hugs and positive thoughts your way. It sounds as though you're wearing yourself out both physically and mentally. I know I'd want to train 7 days a week too, but make sure you're giving yourself time to recover so you won't get burned out! You want to go into that test at your best, not fatigued. Maybe it's time to ease up a bit?
ReplyDeleteBefore my 1st dan test, I was almost at the point of "I don't care anymore, let's just get this over and done with" and after the test, I did take a break with the practicing to let myself recover.
I think that during the last week especially, training should be more of a "keep loose and just review and walk through what you need to do" time. My instructors told me that I didn't need to be trying to fix things at the 1 week point - because during go time, you're probably going to default to what you've been practicing the most.
Keep doing what you know to do and just let your training take over! I'll be cheering you on. :)
Believe it or not, Ariel, I'm ok physically (I'm 45, so I know the consequences of not listening to my body, LOL, so I back off/modify when I need to), but my fatigue is purely mental and emotional. I haven't had this much test anxiety since my prepping for my SATs years ago. But at least for that, I knew the format of the test, which I don't now. It's just a bump. I'm sure this, too, will pass! I'll need those cheers, though!
DeleteYou don't need me to tell you not to over-train so close to a grading but seriously, consider backing off on the physical training to let your body recover and concentrate on mental preparation. If you are feeling like running away then your mind is not yet in the right place for grading...but you know these things already so listen to yourself and you'll be just fine.....
ReplyDeleteThere is a definite air of "manly-men testosterone" happening as well - and by that I mean the emphasis seems to have shifted to the MARTIAL applications completely, which I'm not feeling, Sue. When I tell you this is starting to feel like a hazing, I truly mean that. I was feeling like not testing at all because, really, if I never test again I would be totally OK with that. That added stripe on my belt doesn't mean as much as it should to me, I guess as I just want to continue the learning. Still having a little difficulty right now seeing how breaking four boards with various kicks and strikes or sparring folks with 30+ years of training under their belts each helps that learning process is all.
DeleteTake a deep breath and rely on your training. You have been practicing for this test since your first day in a dojo. Your instructor has confidence in your ability to successfully test.
ReplyDeleteThe few weeks before a grading can be stressful and a bit overwhelming. I had "meltdown" moments before each of my testings. I consider pushing through these moments to be part of the process.
You will do great!
Thanks, Michele :-)
DeleteI can sympathize with not feeling as though you were told everything you'll need to know to pass.
ReplyDeleteBe sure you take the last 2 or 3 days off. Just spend those days doing light cardio and stretching, and prepare mentally.
Would it help to take the negative feelings you have and try to imagine the unexpectedness as a 'trial by fire' instead of a firing squad?
Anyway, best of luck on your nidan. And remember to keep on fighting!
I guess not knowing all of what may be in store adds to the "secret, secret" nature of the exam - you know, the mystique of it and all that. To me, that's just silly, but it is what it is - and it ended up going format-wise just like every other grading, surprise, surprise :-) Thanks for the well-wishes, though...
DeleteI hope you've listened to all these people and taken a few days off! ;)
ReplyDeleteSeriously - I know how hard you train and as Rick said, your Sensei wouldn't have invited you to grade if he didn't think you were ready. Just have confidence in yourself and try your best - that's all you can do (although I'm pretty sure that'll be more than enough!).
Reminds me of the Japanese word "ganbarimasu", which is what you would say to someone in your position. It means "do your best" :)
Hi, F - I did take two days off - and felt horribly guilty the whole time :-). It wasn't so much the physical but the mental that was wearing me down. Two days before, I just wanted to go ahead and test just to get it over with already!
DeleteIt's done and it went well! But I am most happy that I don't have to think about gradings again for a long time :-)