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For almost a full year now, I've been training under two different USA Goju instructors at two different dojos. Although my senseis came through the ranks together, they have such different training philosophies that it would be nearly impossible to tell that their mudansha years were shaped by the same sensei unless someone told you.
This week, I've been forced to face some harsh realities about my home dojo. Even beyond the manner in which my first sensei has insisted the underbelts be taught, how
yudansha from other styles training with us are treated and the
level of instruction my training partners and I have gotten since we graded for shodan last May, Sensei F. and I are not even looking in the same direction now in reference to how karateka at any level should train - and it's all causing me lots of distress. I'm even having trouble sleeping (and I almost NEVER have trouble sleeping!)...
Two of my first-kyu dojo mates are scheduled to grade for shodan at the spring gathering next month. While one of them is truly my training partner - in that we've traveled to
other dojos, attended
seminars and done kata and self-defense techniques in my driveway together over the past three years - the other doesn't seem to do much training at all outside of the once a week Saturday class. Unfortunately, her blocks, stances and kata all look like she doesn't as as well - so much so that a few of us were asked by Sensei F. after last spring's grading to work with her on her basics as she wasn't quite up to where he thought she should be. A year later, she looks pretty much the same as she did then, but still she will be tossed into the mix to grade for shodan next month. Sensei F.'s main argument as to why is because she's been a loyal dojo member for almost as long as he's been teaching there.
I'm only a shodan, but it seems to me that the awarding of rank should be based on merit, not merely on how long a person has trained. She's trained for 13 years - but 13 years of schooling did not automatically net me a high school diploma (working hard to excel at the required curriculum did, though). Although it should be the same in the dojo, it doesn't seem as if Sensei F. sees it that way at all.
Since he is my sensei, it stands to reason that I should be able to talk to him about both dojo and life stuff (and usually I can, as I have talked in detail with him about
some very difficult karate-related things in the past) - so I didn't think speaking to him about my dojo mate's level of preparation for the upcoming grading would be an issue. Unfortunately, it was. He basically blasted me for questioning him and blew off my concerns in a big way. At first I was upset (read: I cried like a baby); but then I was kinda angry. Now I'm just really, really disappointed...
I've rationalized everything that I've experienced in my home dojo over the past year that didn't jibe with budo as just being sensei's way, but I can't do that anymore. I've decided that it's time to call it a day and move on. I can't even tell you how incredibly sad that makes me, but I think it's the right thing for me to do as well as the right time to do it.
I'll have to sit down with him and have a heart-to-heart about why I am where I am, and that makes me horribly uncomfortable - specifically because I'm not sure how it will be received. Never in a million years did I think I'd ever be here - almost afraid to talk to someone who has been like a third parent to me - but here is exactly where I am. My stomach is in knots and I feel incredibly guilty, for some reason.
But I know in my heart of hearts that moving on is what has to be done. It won't be easy, but what's that saying about the shell having to break before the bird can fly? Perhaps it's time to begin the prep for flying on over to a new nest. Hand me that hammer, please...
A friend of mine said it best, though: "Martial arts is to the dojo like faith is to the church. If you have faith and your pastor is not giving you the food you need, find a new church but keep the faith. If your dojo is not feeding but you still have the martial art desire to learn, find a new dojo that feeds you and allows you to continue growing. It's not about the dojo or rhe sensei, its about the student and the learning." (Thanks, Ty :-)